We thought that interviewing a local prostitute would be a rather simple task, but not everything is as it seems in Amsterdam’s infamous Red Light district also known as De Wallen. After all, what working girl wouldn’t accept €20 for five minutes of conversation with a boring travel writer? The first window professional we spoke to was a tall woman with blonde hair and a perfect taut body made even sexier by the shiny black thigh-high boots she was wearing. Unfortunately, the idea of a man preferring to pay for answers to questions instead of sex seemed way too perverted, so she slammed the door in our face.

A little rattled by our failure, we regrouped and moved on to the tiny alley behind the Oude Kerk in search of another sex worker to interview. Since we had struck out with a blonde, we thought it only logical to try our luck with a petit brunette with a lusty smile and a small tattoo on her exposed abdomen. We tried a new approach and assured her that we didn’t want to write her life’s story, but were more interested in practical information that we could pass onto our readers – her potential clients. Yet another glass door nearly struck us on the jaw. Would we really need to explain to the wife that we had to engage in an extramarital quickie just to get some questions answered?

As the evening wore on the tourists increased in number, and levels of inebriation, and we had still come up with a fat zero. The bell of the Oude Kerk, surrounded by this modern-day Sodom, struck several times as a warning to us that we were running short on time. Dejected and desperate we headed for some of the, in our opinion, less desirable areas where men with odd fetishes go but quickly retreated once our unfortunate gaze rested upon a full figured granny in full S&M regalia. There’s only so much we’re willing to risk for our readers and we will bear the scars of this encounter for years to come. Never again will we be able to watch an episode of Murder She Wrote without imagining Angela Landsbury as a Dutch dominatrix.

In case you’re wondering, the going rate for 20 minutes of sex in the Red Light district is €50. Please also remember that these ladies are trying to make a living so either do or don’t, but don’t gawk at them like animals in a zoo. Take a look and return a smile with a smile, but don’t make any lewd gestures unless you’re ready to put your money where your mouth is. Taking photos is also a good way to get into a brawl, so if you must take some snapshots for the gang back home then do so from a safe and respectful distance. We recommend a telephoto lens.